一直以为自己包装得很好，天衣无缝，决不会轻易被拆穿......可是，原来一切只是假象！只是自己单方面的认同，认为我变了！变好了、乖了。
局外人一句：“你装起来，一定可以骗过不少人......” 深深听进耳里，嵌入心里，一阵剧痛。原来会呼吸的痛，也发生在冷血人生上哦！自己是那么的在意那句话......为什么呢？为何那么没自信呢？竟然会为了一个完全陌生的人一言，而怀疑自己？？！！
也许觉得理亏了吧！毕竟，越想忘记就越难放下！
又或许表面上想要的改变，其实在内心里并非此意！
好多次都在反省... 从前的自己有那么差吗？那么不想继续吗？还是这一切的一切只是个美丽的谎言？梦醒后，我依旧是从前的那个我，期望的改变，只是纸上谈兵，更本无法做到，完成！！
只能对自己说，算了吧，你流着的就是那样的血!! 这是定局，一个你无法更改的局面！只能默默接受，认了吧！我是一个带着面具生活的人！永远都是！！
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Struggling~~
Shall I call @ contact her???
This question kept turning in my mind today.........izit a best way or the other way round?? I really wondering! Suddenly they mention her name which make me think of this person....someone that i had try to forget, try to erase from my memory yet when mention she seems just hiding deeply inside some place of my heart which I never wanted to explore it but it is just an 'eyewash'...I' m just lying myself all this while.......
Back to the topic....So...how?? should I ask for her help?I think we rather be like this than I step one foot forward...I can't even do it although another part of myself feel like is not a big deal after all this year..time passed for so long edy..Why m I letting myself suffering of thinking what should i do?Why are you all mention about her name? Who to blame? I don't know?I really confusing...
Better stop here before tears running down...As conclusion I better ask help from stranger than her....Final answer--> ????? (still no gut to decide ='( GosH........)
This question kept turning in my mind today.........izit a best way or the other way round?? I really wondering! Suddenly they mention her name which make me think of this person....someone that i had try to forget, try to erase from my memory yet when mention she seems just hiding deeply inside some place of my heart which I never wanted to explore it but it is just an 'eyewash'...I' m just lying myself all this while.......
Back to the topic....So...how?? should I ask for her help?I think we rather be like this than I step one foot forward...I can't even do it although another part of myself feel like is not a big deal after all this year..time passed for so long edy..Why m I letting myself suffering of thinking what should i do?Why are you all mention about her name? Who to blame? I don't know?I really confusing...
Better stop here before tears running down...As conclusion I better ask help from stranger than her....Final answer--> ????? (still no gut to decide ='( GosH........)
Monday, June 29, 2009
~~Phrase II pr@ctiCUm~~
This is my second time of practicum and this time the chosen school is even further than last sem....all bcz of the damn maktab made me moving outside and i'm totally broke now...Haiz....
Talk back to practicum...first day so ntg much to say cz the sch hvnt really fix a time table for me but mostly i'll take year 2 and 3 again for my major subj...Thought of getting level 2 for some different new experiences yet..FATE--like yong always said, gotta accept it..NASIB...hahhha =P
The school is not quite familiar for me since i had done my SBE there before...So, not much complaint..Just wish that everything can be go on smoothly as I wish, praying for...Recently not much feeling towards things and i'm not sure whether i should apologized for some ignoring....But it might not totally be my fault since I edy reach the limits sometime..(most often recently) I just feel like I change back to my own and seems like not that good for others who cnt cope v the real of me...Gotta wear back the mask maybe....anyway i dont really mind it....
Really not much things to say... (Cham, higher level og cold-blooded ^^)But i think when i start my teaching then i'll back to here again..hahhha....C soon...hope things bcm better....GAmbateh!!
Talk back to practicum...first day so ntg much to say cz the sch hvnt really fix a time table for me but mostly i'll take year 2 and 3 again for my major subj...Thought of getting level 2 for some different new experiences yet..FATE--like yong always said, gotta accept it..NASIB...hahhha =P
The school is not quite familiar for me since i had done my SBE there before...So, not much complaint..Just wish that everything can be go on smoothly as I wish, praying for...Recently not much feeling towards things and i'm not sure whether i should apologized for some ignoring....But it might not totally be my fault since I edy reach the limits sometime..(most often recently) I just feel like I change back to my own and seems like not that good for others who cnt cope v the real of me...Gotta wear back the mask maybe....anyway i dont really mind it....
Really not much things to say... (Cham, higher level og cold-blooded ^^)But i think when i start my teaching then i'll back to here again..hahhha....C soon...hope things bcm better....GAmbateh!!
Monday, June 22, 2009
HoLid@y saDness =_=
I just back from holiday and entering, adapting the new life in my new House here...
Well this whole holiday supposed to be a happy holiday as we had our own plan before holiday but things always not happened as what we planned!! So , whole holiday ntg is happy for me...H@iz....Sian!!
First day of holiday starting, boy met an accident which i never imagined this kinda of incident 'll happened on him since he is quite expert (Boy u noe...always fren v road)..The big news really make me frustrating and angry + sad!! sad not bcz he is injured but bcz of his fren....I cant imagine the time when i faced JX's parents+ family and from their face i really duno what should i do or express or comfort or saying anything?? apologize?? Damn!! the whole situation are cold, STALEMATE that make me embarassed, sorry and apologze..mY mind is blank at that moment although i seem really calm, cool....
Well the next of the holiday I'm staying there cnt go anywhere...kept burried myself in mountain household, disappear from other places except home!!!!!!! ArgHhhhhhhhhh!!!!! That's y i kept saying i hate u!! anyway i care for u too..That's y i stay in....
Now back to new sem....This sem oni 3 subj to cover but the critics is Practicum and the worse things are, the nearest sch now become farthest, and my GP'll be my BeLoveD lect!!! wHat a suck!!!
Smmore...we quarrel again!! dAmn I lost ctrl again...Low EQ...gotta train more!!!
Well this whole holiday supposed to be a happy holiday as we had our own plan before holiday but things always not happened as what we planned!! So , whole holiday ntg is happy for me...H@iz....Sian!!
First day of holiday starting, boy met an accident which i never imagined this kinda of incident 'll happened on him since he is quite expert (Boy u noe...always fren v road)..The big news really make me frustrating and angry + sad!! sad not bcz he is injured but bcz of his fren....I cant imagine the time when i faced JX's parents+ family and from their face i really duno what should i do or express or comfort or saying anything?? apologize?? Damn!! the whole situation are cold, STALEMATE that make me embarassed, sorry and apologze..mY mind is blank at that moment although i seem really calm, cool....
Well the next of the holiday I'm staying there cnt go anywhere...kept burried myself in mountain household, disappear from other places except home!!!!!!! ArgHhhhhhhhhh!!!!! That's y i kept saying i hate u!! anyway i care for u too..That's y i stay in....
Now back to new sem....This sem oni 3 subj to cover but the critics is Practicum and the worse things are, the nearest sch now become farthest, and my GP'll be my BeLoveD lect!!! wHat a suck!!!
Smmore...we quarrel again!! dAmn I lost ctrl again...Low EQ...gotta train more!!!
Monday, May 25, 2009
Farewell to Life (T_T)
Thought recently exam week nothing special will happened yet a sudden incident happen and it make me speechless...Beginning of this month i got the news that my grandmother had sent to hospital due to some slightly health problem. At first i thought that there's nothing serious since she is old and it is quite normal if she been in out the hospital due to health problem. Anyway days to days i get news that she seem bcm seriously and i still dun believe that a normal old lady would suddenly have serious sick although she did hv cancer b4 yet she is a person that had walk at the edge of death before and able to survive from it til now...She had such a strong-willed person i had seen before who able to break any prediction or forecast from any feng-shui master!!!
Well i even bet v mum that she will keep survive until i go bk for holiday later and so strongly blive that she able to get well..this is not just kinda of praying, blessing yet a kind of strong feeling everything will become normal back!!! I so trust myself and grandma as well...
However, things are not always happened as what we planned or what we assume, predict..sometimes, GOD did have His own plans and change out will....... I just tot and hope this is not going to happened!!!
It proves i was wrong!!! Yesterday around 1.30pm dad called me and told me this bad news that grandma just passed away afternoon around 12.30pm..
......I not deny that i not like her so much since she is kinda bias and never treat us good if compared to others, yet i can't admit that she is my grandmother, my kin, a person that make my life still able to go on now......and she is just..i have no reason to dislike her......So i really hope i can be there not with her last breath but at least last farewell......And things are not allowed here since I'm going to face my sem final exam that this can't be postpone or retake later...and i unable to go back even for her funeral...I feel damn sorry to grandmother and i dunno who to blame at all!!! Just kinda of feeling really not good!!!
All I can do here is feeling guilty, regretting, and hope that God hear my praying! I really feel please bcz at least i did seen her last time when she was hospitalized and so coincidence i went back that weekend. Since i seldom go back home so we rarely met v each other and great that i able to see her maybe once but at least i had...or else I'll feel regret for the whole of my life!!!
These few days my mood never been good!!
Well i even bet v mum that she will keep survive until i go bk for holiday later and so strongly blive that she able to get well..this is not just kinda of praying, blessing yet a kind of strong feeling everything will become normal back!!! I so trust myself and grandma as well...
However, things are not always happened as what we planned or what we assume, predict..sometimes, GOD did have His own plans and change out will....... I just tot and hope this is not going to happened!!!
It proves i was wrong!!! Yesterday around 1.30pm dad called me and told me this bad news that grandma just passed away afternoon around 12.30pm..
......I not deny that i not like her so much since she is kinda bias and never treat us good if compared to others, yet i can't admit that she is my grandmother, my kin, a person that make my life still able to go on now......and she is just..i have no reason to dislike her......So i really hope i can be there not with her last breath but at least last farewell......And things are not allowed here since I'm going to face my sem final exam that this can't be postpone or retake later...and i unable to go back even for her funeral...I feel damn sorry to grandmother and i dunno who to blame at all!!! Just kinda of feeling really not good!!!
All I can do here is feeling guilty, regretting, and hope that God hear my praying! I really feel please bcz at least i did seen her last time when she was hospitalized and so coincidence i went back that weekend. Since i seldom go back home so we rarely met v each other and great that i able to see her maybe once but at least i had...or else I'll feel regret for the whole of my life!!!
These few days my mood never been good!!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
eX@mM weeK.............
So now is my semester 5 final eXam week....
Well not much things happened so only talk bout the exam i think.....Errr...My exam.. for those who understand me well, my exam is kinda mess up most of the time since i never like to study and doing revision??!! Crap!!! So the consequences of being lazy is-----(1) facing failure (2) Being regret (3) Just cool down (hehhhe..there is me (^0^)) well if said I'm not scared, not care...all those things are just crap..words used to console, comfort urself for not being self-blaming..So, I'm worried, I'm scared, I'm...jusT wish myself could done better BUT if without effort then where am I going to get any results?? H@izzz.. Start study from the age of 7 unitl now yet I hvnt found or create any better ways to get OK result without doing any revision... So kinda no point here if continue being lazy =_=
anyway i stil not agree with those who always teach me study smart not study hard without poit... Anyone pls give me example or steps or any more description on Study Smart?? As i noe, aving tips or maybe the exact questions of exam paper are the ways those ppl "Study Smart"?? Is it so? I duno and maybe this is Malaysia's education, examination---no rules, no format---NOTHING but just a useless Gred letting ppl praise or maybe comment!! There is it...and that's y i always agree with the fact examination should be abolished!
I like this phrase that i get from someone shortout "等待雨........是伞的宿命 "
Oh p/s
forget to mention that i get my house for next semester.....Hope 7 of us who going to become housemate can get along with each other welll...looking forward next semester--life moving outside!!hehhhe <3
Well not much things happened so only talk bout the exam i think.....Errr...My exam.. for those who understand me well, my exam is kinda mess up most of the time since i never like to study and doing revision??!! Crap!!! So the consequences of being lazy is-----(1) facing failure (2) Being regret (3) Just cool down (hehhhe..there is me (^0^)) well if said I'm not scared, not care...all those things are just crap..words used to console, comfort urself for not being self-blaming..So, I'm worried, I'm scared, I'm...jusT wish myself could done better BUT if without effort then where am I going to get any results?? H@izzz.. Start study from the age of 7 unitl now yet I hvnt found or create any better ways to get OK result without doing any revision... So kinda no point here if continue being lazy =_=
anyway i stil not agree with those who always teach me study smart not study hard without poit... Anyone pls give me example or steps or any more description on Study Smart?? As i noe, aving tips or maybe the exact questions of exam paper are the ways those ppl "Study Smart"?? Is it so? I duno and maybe this is Malaysia's education, examination---no rules, no format---NOTHING but just a useless Gred letting ppl praise or maybe comment!! There is it...and that's y i always agree with the fact examination should be abolished!
I like this phrase that i get from someone shortout "等待雨........是伞的宿命 "
Oh p/s
forget to mention that i get my house for next semester.....Hope 7 of us who going to become housemate can get along with each other welll...looking forward next semester--life moving outside!!hehhhe <3
Friday, May 8, 2009
NothiNg Speci@L (@_@)
Nothing special happens these few days...Maybe bcz of final exam cmmin soon so everyone busy preparing.....As for me...well honestly i think of start preparing too....at least i have the thought dy..(a good starting =P) anyway that is jz a thought without any actions yet.....Gosh...Hw m I going to cover all the topics and subj??? How can I stil be damn relaxing?? HopElessss........ Ok stop the topic of exam here....lazy wanna talk bout it.....Jz wishing everyone Good Luck....
One more thing to mention here is...I actually met someone through fb couple days ago....someone that I......(admire gua??!! not sure) since primary and I really have different feeling towards him if compared to other people....... wel...is hard to explain by words but is great and happy to hear from him again although he might not recognise or remember me anymore..and I'm not going to say ''Hi" to him also...kinda wired i think....anyway he 'll always be my special person in my life ^_^ and i suddenly realised that ppl around me all become better, improving and i 'm the only one walking backward with a future not i dreamed for......
One more thing to mention here is...I actually met someone through fb couple days ago....someone that I......(admire gua??!! not sure) since primary and I really have different feeling towards him if compared to other people....... wel...is hard to explain by words but is great and happy to hear from him again although he might not recognise or remember me anymore..and I'm not going to say ''Hi" to him also...kinda wired i think....anyway he 'll always be my special person in my life ^_^ and i suddenly realised that ppl around me all become better, improving and i 'm the only one walking backward with a future not i dreamed for......
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