现在的我～

     这是2011年的第一个post~一个人的生活，我就这样孤孤单单地过了一个月！以前，总是期待能有一个人的空间，可是 当自己真体会后 才知道原来是那么的孤单、寂寞、无助、无聊！！现在的我连个谈天的对象也没有，每天把自己埋在工作里，剩下的只有冲凉和睡觉时间！我并非出于勤劳，而是因为自己真的闷得可以 害怕会胡思乱想 只好用工作来麻醉自己！！同事们的工作我都尽量拿来帮忙，只为了解闷！！
  
  一直不想写部落格也只是怕自己那没用的大脑又要开始乱发挥，结果总是伤人的！一直认为没有朋友，我依然能活得很好， 如今却好像被自己推翻了！！没有说话的对象，我真的变得很沉默。就算在学校也没开口与任何人打交道！！

   不想写了。。。现在是5.35 p.m. 我还在学校，努力上网； 茫然的上网， 毫无目标，也不想回到那四面墙的房间！！我是孤独的寂女~

最后的闭幕……

  今天将会是我最后一次在这里留下笔记了……5年半的学院生涯，再怎么不满、再累也过去了。这就是似剑的光阴，从不停下哪怕是小小的一刻 等待任何人~

坦白说，我还蛮佩服自己的。毕竟5 年半并不短，重点是不管是勉强或是自愿的，无论如何都不是我向往的生活！！即没兴趣且没挑战性。

今天，不想再批评了！

说再见之前，郑重的想和大家说声谢谢……谢谢那些恨过我、爱过我、包容我、迁就我的人。谢谢你们让我完成了不可能的任务。谢谢你们的陪伴，协助……

对于那些我无意或刻意得罪过的人，很抱歉，请你们大人有大量 不跟小人我计较。呵呵^o^

 还有，谢谢博客让我把所有不愉快的事、人、抱怨、牢骚、火气，一一的在这里发泄了~这样我才能继续活下去，不被闷气憋死！！

谢谢大家~我爱你们，也爱我吧！！今后，我会变得更好、更强的！！

再见IPGM KPT, 再见我五年半的战友们，再见多姿多彩的吉隆坡，再见Condo Sri Mas, 再见IPRM认识的朋友们，再见我实习过得小学！大家得好好过日子啊！我会回来的！

Take Care everyone~

1108每年

    不知不觉打开面子书，看见有朋友留言给她 > 生日快乐！原来1108到来了！我真的已经不在乎了！非常非常确定！ 从前的这一天……应该说从前对于这一天，我又期待 又担心！害怕它的到来 因为那是我的死穴，可是又盼望它的到来 因为是她开心的日子。。。

    然而，时间冲淡了这一切思念！如今， 我更本不会 也没时间去察觉这一天！！不想多说 因为不想伤心~

　轻轻地说声：“Q, 生日快乐 Happy Birthday ” 我知道自己不会再有机会当面对你祝贺了！就让这一切永远埋在各自的心底吧！ 这道伤疤是烙在内心深处 一辈子都不可能抹掉的！！

无情的我！

   哇，我爱上这里了！！怎么说……
  把想念的人、想说的话，一鼓作气在这里全都bla出来。感觉好好噢！轻松了，人也看开了，思想更是放宽了！！

太开心啦=) =D。。。上次说想念的那个人，后来出现啦！我们依旧那么好，依旧每天一通电话……今天， 照常的接到了同样的电话，可是。。。反常的是 我少了那份激动、那份期待、兴奋、紧张……含糊的呆过一切，发现自己更本不想多说。草草的结束了通话，手机搁放一旁，继续手上的活动。惊觉，我怎么啦？？怎么可以那么无情啊？电话另端以玩笑的语气诉苦我伤了他的心。。呵呵，我轻轻一笑而过~

总括而言，今天发现原来我并没有那么想你！原来我可以那么无情！原来你并不重要！原来……好多好多的原来。。。
悄悄送上一句 “ 对不起 ” ！

写给在乎的他~

     好久好久都没过来了。。。今天，郑重的想要和他说声:" 谢谢"。我知道自己没有勇气当面道谢，也没能通过简讯道谢，所以最好的办法就是在某个神秘的地方说声谢谢，代表着我说出口了！请原谅我没法正面面对，原谅我从不承认，原谅我的自私；因为我真的不想让你从我的通讯录里就此消失，可我却又不希望坦然说实话！我真的不知道自己应该怎么做，但是我真的真的不想失去联络！

为什么每次我跟一个人很近很近的时候，快乐、幸福总是短暂的？为何每次想要靠近时，才发现迟了一步，为何每次才刚要开始接受时，他已经选择退出了？为什么？？我真得很想知道我到底错在哪里？这已经是第几次，我也不太晓得了……只知道这一次我有失败了！

     我很感谢他在我最低落的时候，陪在我身边，每天每天的鼓励、支持真的给了我很大很大的力量，渐渐的，我依赖了他。没有他的消息，我一整天都不是滋味。第一次，我冲他发脾气怪他不理我，然而在知道真相后我后悔了，后悔没有太关心他 反而自个儿发小姐脾气！后来，一没他的消息，我就会紧张  深怕他出了什么事。。不知不觉，我发现自己真得很在乎他 可是嘴硬的始终不肯承认。不知道是不是因为他听腻了我的埋怨 或者他真的放下了 我们已经将近两个月没有联络……
这次，我真的感觉到没有听见他的声音、没有收到他的简讯、留言，我是那么的孤独、寂寞！可是那起手机，打了简讯，我有删除了。总觉得我这样自动，好像太明显了；但是我有真得很想念很想念他！今天早上，我看见他上线了。等了又等，他没来找我 而我也无动于衷！
      今天想了很多，也许就像他说得那样我们两人是不可能在一起。无论学历、品行、身家、能力都差好大截的我们 真的只能当普通朋友吗？

无论如何，我打从心底：谢谢你，谢谢你成了我的出气筒、谢谢你那段时间的鼓励和支持、谢谢你曾经喜欢过我、谢谢你的关心，安慰、谢谢你没有因为那件事而对我的评论减低、谢谢你为我做的一切。。。谢谢！

L.O.S.E.R

好久好久没光顾了！在忙吗？好像还好，但就是没有那种mood 和feel 去写！
今天，证实了某些是 所以有感而发...
这好像是自己第一次尝试失败的感觉，虽然不是很大的打击 但还是有点失落感！
人往往要在尝试以后才会醒悟、了解。一直以来，这件事对我而言 或许只是人生成长旅途中必经历的一个转变 而我也用了再平常不过的心态来看待与面对。也许是自己想的太简单、单纯 其实，它很快就会离你而去 不得抱怨，因为你根本没把它当成一回事！
那一天....到了！那种爱慕的眼神、语气、一举一动，不再属于你一个人的！我的专属天使不再为我旋转~~
虽然心不是很痛 但却有种莫名的失落感，很不是滋味！感觉自己像是打了场败战，到头来一无所有！人，就是这样 拥有时 从来不珍惜；一旦失去了 后悔已太迟了！
无论如何， 生活依然要过 而且要过得更好！所以，往事不堪回首 过去 就潇洒地让它离去吧！放眼望前 也许会有不错的收获哦！加油吧！



p/s 年终考屈指一数还剩 2天，而我 依然没有行动! 疯狂的尝试 但愿不会有太大的落差！主 祝我也！

中秋思乡

月到中秋分外明…

不知今晚的月亮会是如何的？天空又会怎样呢？

无论如何 还是祈祷能有一轮清辉明月供大家赏吧！在异乡的你，思念了吗？

今早的天气看来不太妙--雨天！一个我不喜爱的气候...

屈指一数，大概从离乡到外念书至今，应该有四年没和家人过中秋了吧！光阴真的不留人 过去的总比期待快！没有家人的中秋 并不算什么佳节了…

是寂寞的、孤独的 让它静悄悄地就过去了！ 没有任何思念或不舍...

回望过去四年，突然惊觉自己好像都没什么进步诶！

四年前的今天 青春依然存在， 大家还会兴致勃勃地提灯笼绕学院。现在回想起，那应该是段美好的回忆吧！爸妈会特地上来看我，买了月饼等食物 依依不舍。之后的每一年， 记忆中好像都没什么值得念念不忘的吧！

这四年来，感情依然空虚！分分合合 厌倦了！要到何时才能真正稳定下来呢？身边也发生了许许多多 不可思议的感情事、无法原谅的背叛 等……

随着岁月流逝，人人都在改变 变好了、恐怖了、阴险了， 种种的改变 而我呢？还是老样子吧！

不对，应该说一直在退步着，各方面都是：人情、表情、感情、亲情、金钱、学业、人缘...

久没见面的朋友昨晚YM问我：你应该变漂亮很多了吧？答案是：没有，便老了、没身材了！

自己的同学昨晚YM说：拜托，你的脸怎么一天到晚都那样凶啊？笑下会死哦！还建议说：put sweets on ur face to make it "Sweet"!! 答案是：无聊，我本来就长这样一副样啊！改不了的！

中秋感言就等今晚过了后再写吧！

*思念*

何谓思念？
我想我不了解，
也许，不想懂得！

有人说：思念是痛苦的，
是刺激的，
也是累人的......
你，怎么想呢？

曾近，我盘旋于这个话题，
我认为至今，还未出现那个让我思念的人，
但其实是自己迟钝、愚蠢；
为了颜面，一直都在自我安慰，
而那个思念的他，一直都在，
说什么不明思念的含义，
全都只是个自己设计的骗局！

大家或许觉得，我的单纯基于不曾被伤害过，
真的？我不仅在怀疑？！
到最后，我依然不解!
茫然，还是没有答案的！
思念， 依然陌生。

告别 ~~

该告别的时候，
勇敢的说再见，
干净利落，
毫无拖拉、犹疑，
这会是最好的方法。
至少，
受伤的人，或许不会察觉，
也许不会太过介意；
悄悄消失，
不愉快、妒嫉、愤怒,
统统带走!
留下的只有 一丝丝的快乐，幸福......

这是给还抱着一丝希望、一暑光芒者，
最后、最遥远的安慰，祝福.......

怕输。眼泪。讨厌

原来自己是那么的输不起，以为能够放宽心胸，默然接受，承认自己不够强......但，我错了！
一直很强的个性，更本无法面对失败。 “失败”、“没进步”，一切贬义的字眼，呈现在眼前时，是多么的碍眼， 那么的讨人厌，在我心里狠狠地击了一下......
是的，我不爽了！那种滋味是酸、是苦的！一直藏在心底。我不擅长把感觉表现或说出来，因为没人能分享，（是我的问题，不再相信身边任何人）。唯独在夜深人静时，一个人独自默默的躲在暗处，自省。眼泪想流却再也不会了.......也许是太久都没掉过一滴眼泪，太久没有值得掉泪的人，慢慢地，那种感觉不知不觉离开了我，想要却做不到了！对我而言：太难了！！
我嫉妒了！渐渐的转变成讨厌。讨厌你，讨厌你对我的评语、对我的不满......同样的东西，不同于人物、态度，而你为何对我就是不能有认同呢？
其次，帮他时，你是否想过我会怎么想呢？所谓的“优待”，我怎么就得不到哦呢？Why?Why?Why? 同样的问题我还是会继续问，为什么？真得很不解，很想知道答案！
倔强的个性让我不愿服输，因而给自己带来的只是连串的痛苦、悲伤！我真的想过就这样算了，但有些事，往往说的比做的还要难上很多倍！

不想写了！就此搁笔......bye

伪装 。改变 。面具~~

一直以为自己包装得很好，天衣无缝，决不会轻易被拆穿......可是，原来一切只是假象！只是自己单方面的认同，认为我变了！变好了、乖了。
局外人一句：“你装起来，一定可以骗过不少人......” 深深听进耳里，嵌入心里，一阵剧痛。原来会呼吸的痛，也发生在冷血人生上哦！自己是那么的在意那句话......为什么呢？为何那么没自信呢？竟然会为了一个完全陌生的人一言，而怀疑自己？？！！
也许觉得理亏了吧！毕竟，越想忘记就越难放下！
又或许表面上想要的改变，其实在内心里并非此意！
好多次都在反省... 从前的自己有那么差吗？那么不想继续吗？还是这一切的一切只是个美丽的谎言？梦醒后，我依旧是从前的那个我，期望的改变，只是纸上谈兵，更本无法做到，完成！！
只能对自己说，算了吧，你流着的就是那样的血!! 这是定局，一个你无法更改的局面！只能默默接受，认了吧！我是一个带着面具生活的人！永远都是！！

Struggling~~

Shall I call @ contact her???
This question kept turning in my mind today.........izit a best way or the other way round?? I really wondering! Suddenly they mention her name which make me think of this person....someone that i had try to forget, try to erase from my memory yet when mention she seems just hiding deeply inside some place of my heart which I never wanted to explore it but it is just an 'eyewash'...I' m just lying myself all this while.......
Back to the topic....So...how?? should I ask for her help?I think we rather be like this than I step one foot forward...I can't even do it although another part of myself feel like is not a big deal after all this year..time passed for so long edy..Why m I letting myself suffering of thinking what should i do?Why are you all mention about her name? Who to blame? I don't know?I really confusing...
Better stop here before tears running down...As conclusion I better ask help from stranger than her....Final answer--> ????? (still no gut to decide ='( GosH........)

~~Phrase II pr@ctiCUm~~

This is my second time of practicum and this time the chosen school is even further than last sem....all bcz of the damn maktab made me moving outside and i'm totally broke now...Haiz....
Talk back to practicum...first day so ntg much to say cz the sch hvnt really fix a time table for me but mostly i'll take year 2 and 3 again for my major subj...Thought of getting level 2 for some different new experiences yet..FATE--like yong always said, gotta accept it..NASIB...hahhha =P

The school is not quite familiar for me since i had done my SBE there before...So, not much complaint..Just wish that everything can be go on smoothly as I wish, praying for...Recently not much feeling towards things and i'm not sure whether i should apologized for some ignoring....But it might not totally be my fault since I edy reach the limits sometime..(most often recently) I just feel like I change back to my own and seems like not that good for others who cnt cope v the real of me...Gotta wear back the mask maybe....anyway i dont really mind it....

Really not much things to say... (Cham, higher level og cold-blooded ^^)But i think when i start my teaching then i'll back to here again..hahhha....C soon...hope things bcm better....GAmbateh!!

HoLid@y saDness =_=

I just back from holiday and entering, adapting the new life in my new House here...
Well this whole holiday supposed to be a happy holiday as we had our own plan before holiday but things always not happened as what we planned!! So , whole holiday ntg is happy for me...H@iz....Sian!!
First day of holiday starting, boy met an accident which i never imagined this kinda of incident 'll happened on him since he is quite expert (Boy u noe...always fren v road)..The big news really make me frustrating and angry + sad!! sad not bcz he is injured but bcz of his fren....I cant imagine the time when i faced JX's parents+ family and from their face i really duno what should i do or express or comfort or saying anything?? apologize?? Damn!! the whole situation are cold, STALEMATE that make me embarassed, sorry and apologze..mY mind is blank at that moment although i seem really calm, cool....
Well the next of the holiday I'm staying there cnt go anywhere...kept burried myself in mountain household, disappear from other places except home!!!!!!! ArgHhhhhhhhhh!!!!! That's y i kept saying i hate u!! anyway i care for u too..That's y i stay in....

Now back to new sem....This sem oni 3 subj to cover but the critics is Practicum and the worse things are, the nearest sch now become farthest, and my GP'll be my BeLoveD lect!!! wHat a suck!!!

Smmore...we quarrel again!! dAmn I lost ctrl again...Low EQ...gotta train more!!!

Farewell to Life (T_T)

Thought recently exam week nothing special will happened yet a sudden incident happen and it make me speechless...Beginning of this month i got the news that my grandmother had sent to hospital due to some slightly health problem. At first i thought that there's nothing serious since she is old and it is quite normal if she been in out the hospital due to health problem. Anyway days to days i get news that she seem bcm seriously and i still dun believe that a normal old lady would suddenly have serious sick although she did hv cancer b4 yet she is a person that had walk at the edge of death before and able to survive from it til now...She had such a strong-willed person i had seen before who able to break any prediction or forecast from any feng-shui master!!!
Well i even bet v mum that she will keep survive until i go bk for holiday later and so strongly blive that she able to get well..this is not just kinda of praying, blessing yet a kind of strong feeling everything will become normal back!!! I so trust myself and grandma as well...
However, things are not always happened as what we planned or what we assume, predict..sometimes, GOD did have His own plans and change out will....... I just tot and hope this is not going to happened!!!
It proves i was wrong!!! Yesterday around 1.30pm dad called me and told me this bad news that grandma just passed away afternoon around 12.30pm..
......I not deny that i not like her so much since she is kinda bias and never treat us good if compared to others, yet i can't admit that she is my grandmother, my kin, a person that make my life still able to go on now......and she is just..i have no reason to dislike her......So i really hope i can be there not with her last breath but at least last farewell......And things are not allowed here since I'm going to face my sem final exam that this can't be postpone or retake later...and i unable to go back even for her funeral...I feel damn sorry to grandmother and i dunno who to blame at all!!! Just kinda of feeling really not good!!!
All I can do here is feeling guilty, regretting, and hope that God hear my praying! I really feel please bcz at least i did seen her last time when she was hospitalized and so coincidence i went back that weekend. Since i seldom go back home so we rarely met v each other and great that i able to see her maybe once but at least i had...or else I'll feel regret for the whole of my life!!!

These few days my mood never been good!!

eX@mM weeK.............

So now is my semester 5 final eXam week....

Well not much things happened so only talk bout the exam i think.....Errr...My exam.. for those who understand me well, my exam is kinda mess up most of the time since i never like to study and doing revision??!! Crap!!! So the consequences of being lazy is-----(1) facing failure (2) Being regret (3) Just cool down (hehhhe..there is me (^0^)) well if said I'm not scared, not care...all those things are just crap..words used to console, comfort urself for not being self-blaming..So, I'm worried, I'm scared, I'm...jusT wish myself could done better BUT if without effort then where am I going to get any results?? H@izzz.. Start study from the age of 7 unitl now yet I hvnt found or create any better ways to get OK result without doing any revision... So kinda no point here if continue being lazy =_=
anyway i stil not agree with those who always teach me study smart not study hard without poit... Anyone pls give me example or steps or any more description on Study Smart?? As i noe, aving tips or maybe the exact questions of exam paper are the ways those ppl "Study Smart"?? Is it so? I duno and maybe this is Malaysia's education, examination---no rules, no format---NOTHING but just a useless Gred letting ppl praise or maybe comment!! There is it...and that's y i always agree with the fact examination should be abolished!

I like this phrase that i get from someone shortout "等待雨........是伞的宿命 "

Oh p/s
forget to mention that i get my house for next semester.....Hope 7 of us who going to become housemate can get along with each other welll...looking forward next semester--life moving outside!!hehhhe <3

NothiNg Speci@L (@_@)

Nothing special happens these few days...Maybe bcz of final exam cmmin soon so everyone busy preparing.....As for me...well honestly i think of start preparing too....at least i have the thought dy..(a good starting =P) anyway that is jz a thought without any actions yet.....Gosh...Hw m I going to cover all the topics and subj??? How can I stil be damn relaxing?? HopElessss........ Ok stop the topic of exam here....lazy wanna talk bout it.....Jz wishing everyone Good Luck....

One more thing to mention here is...I actually met someone through fb couple days ago....someone that I......(admire gua??!! not sure) since primary and I really have different feeling towards him if compared to other people....... wel...is hard to explain by words but is great and happy to hear from him again although he might not recognise or remember me anymore..and I'm not going to say ''Hi" to him also...kinda wired i think....anyway he 'll always be my special person in my life ^_^ and i suddenly realised that ppl around me all become better, improving and i 'm the only one walking backward with a future not i dreamed for......

h@ppinEss seLdom lasT longgg...

Jz think that all our problem, trouble of searching new house for next sem have settle and can start focus on doing revision for cmmin final exam........YET.....when everything seem go on smoothly..there must be stg badly going to happened.......and it is true!!! news come out saying boys and gals are not allowed to stay together and we gotta search for a new house!!!!!!! Holy SHit......at the peak season rite now where m i going to search for new house in such a short time??!!! Goshhhhhhh....Re@lly make me 'biG heAd'...anyway..we gotta accept it and again start our operation Searching House.....(the middle procedure i'm not goin to mention anymore as it'll be as long as a nove l then xD)
anyway i just dununderstand y some ppl they really.....duno how to describe but kinda scared things or "cannot say boh to a goose".. anything oso scared here scared there....haizzzz.....their life will never get any challenge if like this rite?? i duno but i definitely not this kind of person (and would never be....)be a good "poppet" might be a good things but sometime be bad is not a worse things oso wat..it depends on wat situation and how u should act.......
well i really no words to say...*speechless* anyway i still hope these ppl can be more mature and not just follow instruction like baby mummyboy/ gal......
Now i still not yet find a suitable house and hope i'll get to solve this problem asap....God Bless!!!

House SearcHing~~p@rT 2- - -

toDay again we go se@rch ouR house since the name list edy come out.....well for those able to remain stay in hostel....is out of my surprise!! did theY act better than us?? what's the reason they hv chance to sTay??? UNFAIR..... anyway today we went to see a house around Tmn Midah there....."love at first sight" i finally can feel it..hahha....(act is towards the house)... is really a nice, big comfortable house for 8 of us to live insede.....honestly... i prefer to get 2 small house and live seperately to avoid any arguement happened during the period we stay together outside......... However, GOD not allowed it since we cnt get one...so we just accept it as a challenge, a test for us to be stay close, well with frens....
welll anyway just felt great to have house now..and a hundred thanks to aunty Susan for her kindness help us find the house........Thx very very much!!! btw....there is stg open my 'sight' today....... LOVE is BLIND!!!ppl can bcz of love accept things that they dont like...ok..well dun sarcas ppl here since i hvnt met my Mr Right...no more complaining....hehhhe.........

H@ppy, happy and happpY for getting a house..GOD blesss.......

House RentiNg~~~

Finally it's my turn finding house outside.. I have been kicked out next sem from my hostel.........H@izzz......After go out search for the house oni i realise how much i love my lame hostel.....hahhha.....sobsog =.= anyway...if any of u noe any house to let/ rent around cheras, HUKM pls informed me!!! I roughly walk pass around tmn midah oso cnt search for a suitable ideal house........Goshhh... "Ideal house" smmore..think urself so rich o...ishhhhhhh!!!!
apartment or flat is actually fine for me yet they are too many of us to be inside!! smmore duno y hv such wired feeling that got guy stay v us make us a bit inconvenient..maybe only me..but... stil WIRED!! anyway I'll cope to it soon..hope so....just..........Where am I going to get a suitable house/ apartment for 8 of us with reasonable price???????????

HELp help help........and to those I mahuan a lot....sorry cz hvin a stupid frens like me who is totally a buta jln + transport.....i oni used public transport or Bus 11........=.=lll
anyway thx for those who help us include the aunty and taxi driver.....make me blive there is stil kindness in this world........hahhha....2 mrw action of finding house will go on again..Good luck...Gogogo...chiak you lo.........get a house soon!!!